Saturday, May 16, 2009

the stoic (i cannot be)

i just read the handbook to epictetus during my work shift.
it is brilliant and humbling. i hardly doubt that i could be a stoic, a real stoic simply for the fact that i have this blog. a real stoic needs no outlet, needs no audience, needs nothing. he is "an invalid" and a perfectly content one at that.
i wish that i did have that self-sustainability and rather genuine indifference to the world and to my friends, lover, and family but i don't.
i care what they say, feel, do.
i wish i didn't feel the need to write on this thing (but i hardly doubt it finds it's way to too many eyes anyways) but still! even so, erase the need.

i don't think i can be one, sadly. i would love to be, do not get me wrong but i fear that i just don't add up. i let things that are beyond my control bother me or affect me. other people's emotions, actions, judgements, words.

there was a time i do admit, where i was royal and forthright in my head. it was when i dated men. i just realized this. when i dated men, i was independant, loyal to my solitude, and quite ok with being alone. i was devoted (don't get me wrong) but i was confident in myself and never doubted my actions. i felt strong. strange.

women get to me and i am much more developed when i am with them. i open up alot more to them. not to say that i was ingenuine in my male relationships (when i love, i love hard) but with women (esp. the one i am with now) there is no hiding. there can't be.

to be a stoic is much like to be a minimalist. i once dated a minimalist, or atleast he was in the throes of becoming one. he wore his shirts inside out. he ate small. he lived in a small apartment with a really uncomfortable mattress on the floor, no TV, only a few books, a cd player, nothing on the walls, a computer in the dining area, and a small closet of clothes, a few pair of shoes, and a tub of his ex-girlfriend's letters and photos. he was a minimalist. he quit his job. he read a lot. he listened to dance music more than anything. he took very long (and often times) aimless drives in his beat up Honda Accord. it was amazing to know him. he once took me on a drive in the country and we saw a camel. it was strange. it was beautiful.
we broke up.
(come to find out i am into women) and he is into the sea.
he joined the navy and is now in Japan or Thailand. (he moves around constantly)
we are now friends.

sometimes, i'll be lucky and get a call from a strange, long, and unfamiliar number
and get the voice
of someone so close to me.

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