Wednesday, January 27, 2010


i disappoint.
it's not that i'm ok with this statement, that i am able to so easily admit it
but it's in my blood.
i come from a long line of disappointers.
and i'm just trying to be real with myself.

there has been a few people lately that i have disappointed by not being able to be available for them. for this, i do sincerely apologize.
but i try to go with what i can do and
so for this, i can sleep at night.
i learned a long time ago that there are plenty of other issues to keep you awake at night-
and this one just can't be one of them.

if this sounds harsh at all, i'm not trying to be.
this is a blog and i'm just venting.

nothing is the end of the world.
and my time is not that important.

Monday, January 25, 2010

fuck egos

"accomplistments are endless when you don't care about who gets the credit"

this is what i want my life to center around.
this simple, basic idea that acknowledgment is not needed.
that no social response to what you are doing is desired.
if i can understand this and live this,
no one can or will ever get to me.
no egos/fuck them.
i'm so tired of them.
the ruthless tougne/the poor man's neediness-he craves attention.
it is for his survival.
i don't want that.
i refuse to become like him.
and yet, i need him around.

fuck egos.
become faceless.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


today has been one of those days where the brink of tears has been a constant. 

the past two nights i have fallen asleep watching the royal tennenbaums. 
richie is my favorite because he not only tries to commit suicide (such a noble act) but he also wears the same thing every day (that is, until he is forced to change into that hospital gown).

margot is of course beautiful because she is mysterious, quiet, private, and thin.
 you want to hate her but you never will. 


 i'd like 
to shut the world
one eye
at a time.
lucas, where are you? 
somewhere, fumbling down the sidewalks of Seattle. 

i'd like to make some grand change in my life but i couldn't tell you where to really start.
i could start running, drink more water, eat more vegetables, drink less coffee, read more, write more, sing more, hide out even more, talk less, listen more, listen less, talk more, draw, learn a language, get in a fight, watch more documentaries, paint my nails, cut my hair, go swimming, dance in the rain,

i need to do something. 


i don't do well having nothing to do. 
hours of free time makes me freak out and question my life.
i don't know why.
it's always been like this. 
i wish i could smile and read a book and bask in the jazz that is playing right now in this coffee shop but instead i feel restless and anxious.
it's probably because i have to go work tonight and all i have to do is sit around and wait in silence. 
working at a hotel is anxiety central. 

ok. i will try to focus on something positive. 

the man behind the register looks like my friend Jeffrey. 
He has a tattoo of some sort on his right forearm. 
I can't tell what it is. 
But he has a gentle face. 

Monday, January 18, 2010

saint MLK.

martin luther king was my hero as far back as i can remember.
in the 3rd grade, i spent all of my lunch money on an autobiography of his at the book fair.
all of the other kids made fun of me because they were into Goosebumps.
i read about him and his story stuck with me.

it's strange to think that 45 years ago, he was here.
walking down the sidewalks of middle class america.
singing in the households of the poor.
fighting against the ignorant.

i don't think there will ever be another one like him.
today, violence seems to be the main message.
and even if there is someone preaching non-violence,
there will never be another so graceful,
such a saint.

mlk, i praise you because you really were someone that not only spoke-but you lived your beliefs. you thought differently and because you were a leader, you sadly were killed.
it's unfortunate...anytime someone instills fear in the ignorant-they are murdered.

Haiti Benefit Show

i'm setting up a benefit show for Haiti.
Feb. 19th @ Luigi's FunGarden.

please come.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

good god//can you please save us all?

i have weak wrists. 
i have dreams that one day they are just going to fall off. 
limbs with no ends-hanging there without any explanation. 
no words will come out of my mouth then.
i'll just stare at you with some stoic expression-knowing that there was nothing more that i could do to prevent this. 

underoath-i don't care that you are a christian band. 
i also don't care that you could be labeled as "screamo" by others.
for some reason, you have struck a chord with me
and i am obsessed with you. 
all i want to do today is listen to your one song and cry/scream/laugh
and sleep. 

Saturday, January 16, 2010


the studio is quite right now. 
i wish it would stay this way. 

Friday, January 15, 2010

no cloth for heart.

i'm not usually one to dwell on anxious feelings.
wait. hold on. i guess i am. 
but man, i swear i've tried to let things go but there is something that is not and has not went away-and fuck it, i'm keeping to it. 
i think that we tend to try to let things go without following our instincts.
i can't do it this time.
don't know why. 
maybe soon life will show me exactly why i've been holding onto this lingering feeling-a big slap in the face-a kick to the gut-a heavy tear.
either way, i can't care.
i'd like to live like Epictetus- the stoic who refused to let any outside force get to him.

stone for hands//no cloth for heart//humming silently the purpose.

it's mid afternoon and we are at a friend's house in oakland. 
there is a boy that looks like john horton named demetrius. 
he's wearing a mickey mouse sweater and just smoked out nick and dani. 
i like his smile. 
there are 3 couches in this living room along with 3 bikes and trash everywhere on the dining room table. 
demetrius is killing men on the big screen//some war video game on xbox.

i miss jordyn but it feels fine. 
my eyes can hardly stay open. 
i am so tired i'm not even hungry anymore. 

oakland is calm today. 


the boys are asleep on a black leather couch 
and dani has been playing the drums for nearly an hour. 
i wish i could rest my eyes.
i think dani and i are going to go sleep in one of the sound booths. 

it's not going away

i don't want to not trust. 
oh, the simple reality of what being human can actually mean. 
no note that i can sing will destroy this unsettling feeling-
gnawing away until the honesty decays. 

i say it's truth. 

"and my brother lays upon the rocks/
he could be dead/he could be not/he could be you"

you see. 
i can foretell the future. 

bass line//repeat

i feel like a zombie.

i just want to sleep. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

oh, haiti.

the internet and cable at my house has been cut off due to insufficient funds.
because of this, i have been completly unaware of all that is going on/not going on in the world.
a bit vulnerable due to this, i walk out into the unknown horror/sadness/ deaths have occured.
i know nothing.
all i know is the book that i am reading-and it's all about some writer in the 50's.
all i know is genet's evil, thick cigars, and homosexual writers who are banned for their erotic content.

until that is, i fumble on the internet and discover that Haiti has suffered, Jay Reatard has died, and Pat Robinson is a fucking asshole-

i think i would almost rather stay buried inside.


another death-jay reatard.

people, stop dying. please.

Monday, January 11, 2010


everything is gonna work out.


there is a deep buzzing in the hotel lobby.
it's been going on for about 4 hours now.
i don't know where it's coming from.
it could be annoying but i find it almost comforting.

i have tomorrow off.
it will consist of la bou coffee/practicing bowie/ playing with ophelia/watching bootleg films/interview with jenny/breakfast with machu (?)

keeping some sort of order in written form.
i don't know why i write in this.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


what is the use of the human ego?
i do not care about all of your lessons that you've read on sociology.
doctrines or graduate programs, pages of literature, dismal language that you worship.
human experience is what will best teach us.
you have a frail ego and i, a frail heart.
what to make of that?
one of us will always remain shattered then-and so far, it's always been some rough start and/or constant fight with one another.
i'm tired.

Freud, if you are still around these parts-
tell me,
how can one lose that distorted sense of self?


flaw of mine: i seldom stick to things that i want to.
why: because i worry about other's feelings.
outcome: anger + confusion, allowing others to trample over what i believe is right because i'd much rather not have any drama.

change: this.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

life, as in now.

4th day working and there is nothing exciting or inspiring about this lobby.
but i'm trying to write anyway.
this month has been going by so fast and even though we are only about 8 days into it, i want to try to live each day slowly and not take it for granted.

i turn 25 this year (in about 2 months) and i'm a bit numb about this.
i know that it's not terribly old and even if it is-i should embrace it (like Maya Angelou says-ha) but this year is looming over me.

-in other news, Leon sent me a text today with the picture of a dead bird next to a coffee cup. I'm not sure what it all means.

-Jordyn is on a fur coat kick and I love it.

-Ophelia likes to chew dirty clothes late at night

-and I think that Chelsea Handler is one of the funniest women alive.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

new love

you are my new fun steps.

(in) reverse video

ro b ert as croft.

stole this from chelsea

favorite songs this year: "stars"-warpaint// "out from under"-voices voices//"mojo pin"-jeff buckley (never gets old)// (i kinda hid from music this year)

favorite movie you saw this year: msnbc documentaries.

fave websites: (ha)

favorite book you read this year: jean genet biography//"another country" by james baldwin

favorite place you visited this year: portland with jessie

a really good memory: getting opehlia//2nd christmas with jordyn//first valentine's day with jordyn and luigi's pizza and beer//tour with sc fam + wolf//meeting nico and jenean//meeting paul at manimal//la bou mornings

something you learned this year: that good things can happen. and that bad things can happen too.

something new!: man i mal.

item of clothing most worn in 2009: black pirates hat + green thrift store old man sweater.

favorite horoscope!: i have no idea.

favorite image: la bou double iced espresso with vanilla + low fat milk

biggest challenge for you this year: learning to become organized and business oriented.

who was your muse?: jordyn + jean genet.

quote to sum up yr year: "but i'm not afraid to go, but it goes so slow" -j. buckley. (next tat)

5,000 dollars

last night at the hotel, a drunk man threatened to attack me,
for no reason other than he couldn't understand himself.
i felt sorry for him but at the same time, i wanted to see him fall for his actions-so i called the police.
sadly, they came too late and he escaped.
his name was david bevington.
he had 5,000 dollars in his right hand pocket.
(he was a business man)

tonight has been pretty uneventful.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


we filmed the video for "(in) reverse" yesterday with an amazing photographer named Robert Ascroft and his crew from 3star productions. Needless to say, everything was very surreal and legit. A crew of 5 came out to the Georgetown woods to film little ol' sc kids-there was a fog machine, wind machine, lights, poles, metal things, boxes, vans, and all that crazy stuff.
surreal. too crazy.

anyway, i am so grateful for the experience.
even though the crew was/is very professional (i mean, they shoot Mariah Carey, VOGUE models, Brad Pitt, etc etc) they were so down to earth and not intimidating at all (once we all met one another). Working with them really made me "trust" LA and allowed me some hope afterall for the city. They could have been assholes (just because they have an overwhelming repuation) but they were some of the sweetest people we have met.

I must admit, I am a bit intimidated to see the overall video. It should be finished with editing in about 3 weeks. I had to wear makeup (for lighting puropses) and I wore Jordyn's fur vest...and some amazing (yet very unlike me normally ) boots-...ah. I was definatly out of my comfort zone but at the same time, it was fun to try something new and be a bit out of my element. The boys and Dani wore all black and for the most part were able to wear more of their style. So, saying that-that is the only thing that I am a little hesitant about. It was fun and a great experience and I really hope that this video portrays the song. I believe it will.

Everything lately has been a bit new for us (the band). We are not really used to anything (other than playing music) so I guess it's all a bit overwhelming, but in a good way. I just want to be productive with music.

Sorry for the rambling but I've never shot a video before so I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't want to come across as something that I am not. I'm not a very dramatic person or flashy. But i'm excited for the video because it challenged me .