henry mailer.

who the fuck cares about your little feelings that pang silently in your chest?
violence means nothing.
there are more important things to learn about.

like Freud's Oedipal Complex.

edgar allen.

jealousy knows nothing underneath the microscope.


tonight, i am fumbling in between the rake and saw.





thank you.

fleet.

high hopes on fridays always seem to occur as of late.
i saw one of my closest friends today,
30 mins of coffee and retrieving information.
a relief, a moment needed.
i am thankful.

life is gonna throw you some shit.
it will also lay down for you.
gotta remember to bow to it all sometimes,
the remnants can be so beautiful.

colorblind. .

and the case will be called "the reds",
a brief listing of names with lengthy discriptions
of all the bisexual tendancies in human beings.

it will be a destroyer,
hind sight
and multiplier.

p.s.

amy rose, get back to me when you can.
i happen to miss you.

love,
your selfish fiend.

minimal and the 30 minute phone call.

reading emerson's "self-reliance" made me want to run all the way home,
off to some mountain and scream "thank you! thank you ralph! "
because, quite simply, he told me living a simple life is indeed just and right.
i have been fairly optimistic lately and i believe it is from
my certain awareness that i desire nothing (material, that is).
machu and i screamed at each other on the phone for a half hour (the longest conversation i've had in a while on the phone)
about the greatness of minimalism. she mentioned Ghandi and I, Emerson and
I felt relieved that i still have some people in my life who believe in all of that.
I actually know quite a few and it's beautiful.

i like all of my old sweaters.
i love my simple pair of shoes that all look the same.
i even love my faded one pair of black jeans.

and i love my books.
fuck.
i love them.

rhetoric.

son lux in my ears for the next millionth day,
remember when i wrote and it all made no certain sense.
but there were marvels within the slopes of cursive,
and let us all admit
we are all slight fans of the written relic.

no need for adversaries,
the simplest of conversations i am dwelling on tonight.
and in the morning,
some calm will come
because the next few days
will be less caustic,
you
destroyer.

sober.

woke up with aching hands,
something was pulling me back,
i kept saying that i didn't understand.
and everything was double
or even twice as that.
i honestly thought, ok,
this is what death finally feels like.


substances and i do not mix .
why do i even try?
here's to a long day of deciphering.

hyper-bolic.

my boss is a redneck from texas
(machu calls her "texas trailer trash).
she makes me very tense when she is around.
i don't know if she understands this.

of talk.

it is morning
and on the freeway, it was sigur ros and i.
the sky was mostly black with small spects of red.
i was planning on getting coffee and becoming a host once again.
and here i am.

**
plans of opening up old boxes and finding half junk and half treasures of my past in my mother's garage is always kinda fun.
old love letters, diaries, dirty shoes, clothes, pictures, etc etc.
makes you remember who you once were
makes you forget what you thought you'd be.

**
october!
so much is happening, yet at the same time sometimes i feel the lull.
but more so, i feel the change that is going to come
or the transformation that is already occuring.
within everyone.


hmmm.
i'm excited.

beautiful.

here's to the last 7 minutes of your shift.
your mind has seen a lot today.

rednecks, weave, and the token fool.

sociology class was frustrating today.
a lot of the kids in that class are just that, kids.
they are small minded, ignorant individuals who rally in defense behind nothing but roles and what celebrities tell them is cool.
they are the reason why stereotypes perpetuate.
it's hard to sit in class and keep my mouth shut.
sometimes, i do
and just shake my head at the discriminating things they say
but most times
i simply raise my hand and tell them to 1. read a history book 2. read a dictionary and 3. live a life a bit more open minded to different races/sexes/orientations/memberships/etc.

today was hard.
it was a redneck girl with weave who felt the need to verbally fight with an ignorant boy who believed that all women should cook and clean still.
now, i admit...his statements were pretty stupid.
but everyone knew he was stupid, mostly everyone just shooed him away and paid him no mind. he wants attention. that is the only reason he makes those statements, right? i mean, i'm pulling for him still. i'm not giving hope on him yet. i still want to believe that somewhere he is a half intelligent man boy.
but no, midway through the teacher's lecture,
she had to scream at him from across the room,
saying something about her 2 children that she raises alone and then she doesn't "need no man to help me and mine out" .
she then proceeded to make some jokes about his mom
and it was all over from there.
the teacher never had control over the classroom after that.
a couple of times, i just wanted to walk out of the room.
it's a waste of time to try to possibly learn in that kind of
high school environment,
where everyone is 16 again and nothing makes sense
and everyone thinks they know everything
and boys treat women like they own them
and they are a walking stereotype
but they can't help it.
it's all they know.


sacramento city college. there is a reason i didn't go to you after high school.
financial aid, let me back into sacramento state.
please.

paine.

and it's really all perspective.
i see amy rose living an entirely different life,
we are not even on the same spectrum.
i am proud of her.
those pictures you take are so full of color/love is something you are born with.
a smile so hard it can never be messed with/fused into semi-color.

***
in order news, Thomas Paine was a damn good writer.
that man could write so well , he could (and did) win any argument.
it makes me very interested in becoming a better writer because i've always believed that words are the most effective weapons-
that if you could write well,
then maybe you were that much closer to speaking well,
and then if you got those both down,
you would be unstoppable.
like some weathered force, a wall that no one could knock down.
and i want that but lately, i feel a blank in my words, whether writing or speaking.
i probably just need to read more.
read a book and you'd be surprised how articulate you can become.

here's to t. paine.

october bleeds velvet.

so, yesterday jordyn turned 20.
it was a great day, filled with her family, food, pugs and a baby.
she is a beauty, that one.

october seems to be filling up quite fast,
it's already the 2nd and i want to freeze frame
this month so that it doesn't up and go so quickly.
i want this month to lay in between my teeth,
i love it so much.

so much has always happened during october.
it never fails,
someone is always being born,
celebrating their birth,
changing,
growing,
falling in love-moving, learning, etc, etc.

fall makes my chest explode,
waking up to damp air and dark clouds makes me want to cry.
thank you october,
you reliable one.