Thursday, December 31, 2009


here's to lovelorn women,
fiesty pugs,
crippled language,
anxious walks,
interrupted phone calls,
panic school mornings,
la bou dreams,
genet nightgowns,
baldwin tease,
singing and screaming,
having and losing,
crying and smiling,
black death
and evergreen life.


(i am grateful)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

ode to 09.

i'm stuck in a hotel lobby with screaming Turkish children and men who hate women. 

needless to say, i am contemplating my life and all of the events that have occurred in 2009. 

falling in love with jordyn happened in '08 but the fact that we were able to spend last New Years together (on my couch in my old living room because I was sick and could not go out) means so much to me. the fact that we will be spending another New Years tomorrow together makes me insanely grateful. that girl is legit. 

i fell in love with another girl in '09-but this one was pretty hairy and snores a lot. Ophelia, the boss bitch. she is my daughter. i love that pug. 

i turned 24 this year ( a number that i have always been slightly afraid of). the birthday was great-close friends, mexican food, and intoxication. 

i went back to school this year and finally felt focused and prepared. 

music was the most progressive this year (hoping that this will continues onto 2010).  genaro and nicholas were added, we all fell in love with one another (despite a few verbal spats and whatnot). we went on tour, went to snoop dogg's house (sort of) and raided a liquor store. we also played the most shows ever this year and signed onto Manimal. 

i stopped working at the fucking hell job (peets coffee) and started working at a hotel. i am now free of long lines of coffee snobs and the boss from hell but am still a little lost with working at a place that my heart is not into.

a lot of people have died this year. 
it's fucking sad and always a hard thing to see or hear. 
besides the obvious mega stars that died this, the recent death of Brittany Murphy has me still reeling. it's strange because i am not crazy into movies but her death has not settled well with me. she was young and beautiful and seemed really sweet. 
another death that got to me was singer vic chesnutt. he was 45 when he committed suicide on christmas day. even though, i don't know much of his music, his story really got to me. he seemed like a really hardworking, genuine man and musician. 
people, please. stop dying. 
this world needs you. 

if i've learned anything this year, i've learned mostly that i do not want to die. 
i want to live. 
i know this may seem strange to say but in the past ( and i think we all do this to some extent), i thought about death a lot. probably a lot more than i should have. 
this year, i've learned to really respect life and to appreciate what each moment can teach you. 
and all of this might sound cheesy but it's what i've learned. 
one rough month or day can change with a phone call or by simply walking outside of your front door. 
my life has changed a lot this year and i'm learning this.

i don't think i made too many new friends this year. 
i tried to keep the ones that i have had.

i am excited for 2010. i am actually looking forward to this year more so than any other. 
let there be what will come. 

i am not afraid. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


i feel strangely out of place at work today.
like an imposter in the blue blazer, trying her hardest to fit in in order to not get caught.
i don't know what i'm doing here.

Friday, December 25, 2009


(there's nothing that i'm gonna say
until the death of two 
equals you
and when you come back
i'll praise the day
scream to the walls
prayers in attack,
thank god, she's come back)

all my life, oh i can't take it. on my own.

it's christmas and all that i want to do right now is listen to Warpaint and stare at either the blank of the ceiling or the black of the sky.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

brittney murphy, 90s beauty queen.

i'm still really bothered by brittney murphy's death.
i don't really know why (i never met the girl) but it's affecting me more than i guess i thought it would.
i don't know.
i guess, it's just that she was so young.
it's unsettling.
she was also a favorite of mine because of "clueless", what can I say, that movie is a fucking 90's classic.

uhg. i'm bummed.
so many people died this year.
people stop it, please!
stop dying.

i am closed until the 31st.

Los Angeles was amazing. good friends, barry manilow hotel room, fucking amazing coffee, L.A. Record XMAS Party with FLYING LOTUS!, finally met Paul and the Manimal crew, good talks with the VV girls, met Jenny from WARPAINT, met some nice people, played such a great show with the sc fam, and it snowed on our way through the grapevine!

i miss my friends already.
i'm at work today, back to reality so far.
it's not bad by any means, but it was nice being with my family and friends for 4 days straight.

this year is ending.
let's make it good.
it's already been so memorable.

oh, 2010. be good to everyone.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

tom waits.

next year, i am determined to improve.
with my interactions with others, with my friendships, with stressing out.
it's a bit early to be making promises but
i'm eager.
working at this job makes you think a lot. too much probably.
in a mere 8 hours you can create overwhelming dilemmas for yourself
only to realize the next day that it was all made up.
i have become even more a recluse,
and not hte fun, mysterious kind.
i've become a rather extreme introvert and i sometimes love it, sometimes hate it.
i feel like i'm in high school all over again.
trying to maintain a sense of what i want to do while trying to appease others by not being too overbearing.
and it all won't even matter in a few years, let alone maybe a few months.
but this town is fucking small so it's easy to either be scrutinized or ignored.
concerned with this when it doesn't really matter.
this kind of talk is so self-absorbed.
but what are blogs for anyway?
it's nothing discreet,
let your loathing shine!

but to be honest, all i want is simle challenges
with a few friends to talk to about the loses and the winnings.
nothing else really matters.

tom waits said "we're all gonna be, just dirt in the ground" .
word brother word.

happy holiday (ssssss)

tonight is very slow at the hotel.
i think i have heard these christmas songs atleast 50 times recycled over.
mixes, different variations, electronic/acoustic/ some classic/ some pop trash.
oh, it's the holidays!

i can't say that I don't love the holidays. I am with someone who perhaps love this time of year more than anyone i have ever known. and it's infectious. it's fun to celebrate when you around others who find joy in it. I think she lives for Christmas. She glows...

i am not quite used to this. my father never celebrated any holiday (yes, he was once of those) and so when my brother and i would live with him, we were never taught the traditions that come with this holiday (let alone, any other holiday). we were taught that pagan holidays were full of sin so we relunctantly agreed to just forget about Santa and presents and holiday music (all the things that my mother had told us to embrace).

my father is a strange man. he grew up living in a small riot, the whirlwind of a life without his own father and a fiesty bible thumper mother. she was hot in the 60s and wore a huge beehive hairdo. my father was a typical teenage boy at the time...into motorcycles, girls, drugs, and music. he started working at a depot when he was 14 (illegally) with his uncle Clyde. One day, my father was packing boxes near the trucks loading dock when he got run over by a big rig that was backing up. apparently, the big rig didn't see my father. at age 14, my father was prounounced dead 3 times by the doctor, only to keep on coming back to life. he broke his back in 3 places, shattered both his legs, and crushed his chest. all at the ripe age of 14 1/2. i don't know much about the accident because i'm not very close to my father and even if i was, he probably wouldn't tell me the details. he is very into privacy and doesn't really like to talk about this particular incident. all i know is the one day when i was about 8 or so, i stumbled onto a picture of him in the hospital bed, with dozens of tubes coming out of his face and arms and chest. he looked so helpless. so fragile. so vulnerable. like he would tell you anything you would ever want to know about him. he looked innocent. i've never seen him that way since. i know that he had to re-learn how to walk completly and stayed at the Stanford hospital with trainers and specialists for nearly 2 years. At age 16, he was out of the hospital with mearly a small limp and a huge scar on his chest. He then began dating my mother (they had known each other for 2 years prior) and had me at the ripe old age of 18. My mother being 18, my father 19. He cheated on her endlessly and bought every cool car and motorcycle there was at the time (i forgot to mention that he was offered a huge settlement from the company after my grandmother sued them for allowing him to work underage. he is a millionaire and will be for the rest of his life).
anyway, wow. what a tangent. all i was meaning to do was just say how strange he is, but i guess the past is where you really learn about a person's characterists and heart and mind so it's all relative. my father, the great hero my father the great dissapointment.

the reason i probably wrote about him is because he probably reminds me of christmas.
the reaon why it took me a while to get back into the whole holiday thing until i met jordyn. her family loves christmas so much it's hard to not fall in love with it.
i remember last year, crying in the parking lot of a "Hollywood Video" after talking to Jordyn about my family. She was so cute. She listened and then told me that she would pick out any movie I wanted, popcorn included.
anyway, jordyn's family loves christmas and it's fun to experience the holidays with them. they participate in a lot of events, parties, gift exchanges, card exchanges, different room themes. I mean, we have 4 christmas trees in our house right now! it's crazy but comforting.

something so calming about a tree at night.
small candles everywhere.

Monday, December 14, 2009


i want to spend time in a room with red lights,
constant commons, cumulus clouds, concerning karma,
and lie down on a blanket and study opera.
i've been restless for a few weeks now,
wanting to study music.
and by this, i don't mean the orchestration of chords
or melodies.
i want to fucking swallow someone's vocal chords.


and i just don't go out.
something of a recluse for forever,
it's getting much worse.
i can't seem to look people in the eyes for a long period of time.
it's ok.
i probably don't need to.
i like huddling.

but i watched a documentary on Donny Hathaway and he became a paranoid schizo after he stared at static for too long.

could i be on my way?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

de ce m ber.

i guess, this time around we were made to think.
and to be stressed is only flexing our muscels.
i am singing
to no one
to everyone.
you are drawing
on the sidewalk of shoulders,
careful to use just enough ink -never wasteful.
and this month has been a long 10 day sigh.
constant coming and going,
losing and gaining.
and 2010 will come to find everyone changed and smiling,
but now we are frowing.
some of us casting it ouside of ourselves,
some of us keeping it in.
no one lacks a sudden mystery.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


today has been busy.
to go the last few days with little happening can make you question yourself and what you are doing with your life
and then to have your whole life sped up and absorbed for the next few months, all in a matter of less than 1 hour.

and i am manic.
i accept this.

if nothing occurs for even a day, i start to question things.
it's never been a good trait of mine.
a therapist would probably have a million reasons for all of this,
but it's not likely that I will ever want to know why this is.
I'd rather just stay busy.

December will be gone soon.
January will be soon.
February will be a flood.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


my girlfriend said to me today that she doesn't like to buy me things because i would never use them. 
and she is mostly right. 
i had my laptop for a year before i turned it on. 
i had a wonderful friend give me a dr. sample machine for my birthday (last march) and i have only recently been trying to figure it out.
my new clothes hang in the closet, tags on and waiting. 
i don't know why i do this. 
she is right. 
but it's only because i feel that having a bunch of things only can only weigh down a person.
it's true. 

the other night, jordyn and I were at the hardware store looking for surge adapters for the christmas lights. the lady at the store warned us to be careful because so many houses burn down. as she said this, i thought to myself that i was mildly calm about that fact because all that i would want out of that burning house would be for my family to be out safe, my dog, and maybe my laptop. well, yes my laptop. i didn't have to think about the plasma tv's that i don't have or the modern furniture or the italian suits or shoes. 
because i have nothing. 
i have some thrift store clothes, old shoes from high school that i still wear and some musical instruments. 
not saying that i don't care about any of these things-i do- but i was able to walk away with a small breath of relief that i would not have to tear myself away relunctly from the burning house because of all that expensive thousands of dollars of plastic. 

i'm not condemning materials or people who enjoy them. 
i could care either way i guess.
to each their own, truly. 
but i've had 1 house burn down along with every toy, piece of clothing, and whatnot when i was younger
and 1 house get destroyed by a flood a few years back
so i've learned that nothing is permanent. 

geez. i hope i don't jinx myself and come by on this thing a few days from now and say "fuck! i meant none of this!" 
but if it were to be so be it. 

i guess, i 'm just writing this to reassure myself that it's ok to not want many things.
christmas time is here and with that, 
the usual questions of what people want, 
the long lists of items 
and the common stress and expectation.

could i use alot of things? 
of course.
but it's not needed. 

the bed, the clothes, 
the pug, the girlfriend, 
the music, the family, 
the books

burnout hour 1

i've become some simple stir, the lost recluse in the small house to the right of the middle school. 
i bury myself in the backyard/only to have my dog sniff me out.
well, this weekend i am screaming nothing
and i want to burn my hands into the dollars that fall from the pockets
of a man I will never known in Los Angeles,
of a woman I will never greet in Japan. 

I want to make music, bad. 

I want to stay on top of things.
I want to stop stressing out about others. 
Those who don't even stress out about themselves. 
And all of this makes me sound so unhappy.
But I've been smiling all week. 

i just want to feel like I am progressing. 
It's a very simple thing. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


this morning did not start off exactly the way i would have liked it to,
but a good cry, Tycho, and a small shopping spree at your local record store 
should fix it. 
i'm frustrated with work.

hello, i'm all of America. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

the clown

it was simpler.
when he and i would sit in a room and talk about jazz
all night.
there were no windows in the room
so we never knew how much time had passed.
just tugging at my shirt sleeves, my hands would ache
as we spoke about music that moved us.
and i wanted in.
i miss that.
when names of musicians would fall off my tougne
and i'd shake
my shoulders shivering as the first note fumbled out of the speaker.
there is no grace in this.
it's dirty
and sexless
everyone is jealous of everyone
and the malice is almost embarrassing
because it's so calculated.
nothing is really happenening
no one is here.

black nest.

but it's so clear
that you're a sinner
(i said to myself) and to her, a chasm cloud. and as for him...
the whole world is shifting,
you could tell by your teeth
it's the only thing to see.
no smear could tear
the guilt
and now the candle in your hair
is giving your words
someone if mumbling just
the only objection is
hiding beneath
your mouth
but your mouth
your mouth
but your mouth
won't let go of me.