Monday, May 31, 2010

isin't she lovely?

we have been together for over a year and a half now
and i find myself still caught by surprise when i look at her.

morning poncho

this morning, jordyn and i woke up early to stake out the sale at Thrift Town...and man oh man.
we came up with some great finds.
3 dollar serape poncho...i've been looking for one of those for a while now.

tonight at the hotel, it is dead here.
i've been on the internet for hours and the night is going by an ok pace.

we leave for LA tomorrow for a show and Nico's birthday!
I've got a James Baldwin book for the ride.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


here's to new beginnings. 


my co-worker stays at work an extra 2-4 hours after his shift so that he doesn't have to go home to his wife. 
he'll do anything to stay here. 
he's not looking for overtime pay...he's not looking for companionship.
he just wants to read his books in silence.
he wants to hide from her for as long as he can.

knowing and seeing this makes me so damn sad. i hope to god that i don't ever make my lover feel this way about me. 

i have a lot to learn. 
i know this.
i think that we all do.
we will always have a lot to learn.
but i want to be a better person to those in my life. 

i have to look at all of this as something other than a setback.
it can be a very positive thing.
i'm learning that it's all about your mind state. 
and yes, that should have always been an obvious thing but it's not. 
it's really fucking hard to remember to stay positive all the time.
i mean, isin't it?
maybe it's just me.
i don't know.
but i've always been prone to look at the worst in things...
when I was younger, i would keep it all to myself and brace myself for it.
but somehow, as i got older-i started talking
and that talking made me somehow feel better
and then it all got to be too much 
and i would say too much.
i think i like being closed off
only because it doesn't affect others when you keep things to yourself.

it doesn't have to be a bad thing, keeping your mouth shut.

just look at it as "acceptable silence".

oh, and yea good morning. 

Saturday, May 29, 2010


need some serious hiding time.
need some serious thinking time.
find out what i want.
what i don't want.
it's always a guessing game.
i guess, it's how we learn about each other, about ourselves.
it's not a big deal.
atleast, it doesn't have to be.

women are strange.
i am even stranger.
human beings in general have a ton of shit that comes along with them.
bags all around-bags all around.


i miss Jimmy. i miss our friendship.
friend! friend! friend!!!
can you hear me all the way out in the desert?
i know that you are somewhere building castles with fellow soldiers,
or writing beautiful letters,
thinking always
i miss our conversations.
and the drives to nowhere
where we would always end up somewhere.
just know, that i'm thinking about you and i hope that you are living beautifully.

lost rings in the bathroom stall

i'll be the first one to say it.
i'm a pretty difficult person to live with,
to see on a day to day basis.
i'm not an easy person.

that is just how it's always been.

i've got a lot of growing to do, but don't we all?


Gonjasufi is making my life a lot better right now.

Last night was insane.

Probably one of the best i've had in a long time.

It's good to know that I can be (_________) and laugh that hard.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

hotel motel holiday inn

it's not that i don't like caves.
i just get anxious.
and in order for me to huddle and stay in a room, it's got to have a bed that is low to the ground (if not, on the ground) with almost no lights (dimdimdim) with a record player on and without a tv.

i think that is why my current room freaks me out if i stay in it for too long.
it's like a room i've never had before.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Souls On Ice

4th night at the hotel, with one more night to go until i get some balance.

this place is stagnant, i tell you.

tonight i'll be finishing Cleaver's "souls on ice" and starting Gabril's "Love Letters".

Although, I do believe that Eldridge Cleaver had some amazing vital points regarding the black community, the Black Panther ideology, and of the American justice system in general...
I do not agree with him on many things.
He compared homosexuality to "baby rape" and even "murder".
He called homosexuality a "sickness".
He also raped women during a period of his life.
He called Martin Luther King a coward.
Those reasons alone, denote him from his high throne that I will never place him on.

Monday, May 24, 2010


i'm actually very excited for the future.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

come again?

have you ever noticed how people will often repeat what you tell them as a question?
this happens all the time at the hotel.
they will ask me a question
and i will answer them
and they will then proceed to repeat what i just told them
but form it into a question.
as if they need some extra reassurance...

i guess, really...we all do.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


long day.


but everything is going to work out.

angel baby

i've been in this library for 4 hours.

i forgot there were other people around.

Monday, May 17, 2010

got yo' self a gun.

i've had a Nas song stuck in my head for 3 days now.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

two weeks

the medicine is deceiving. 
it gave me 3 days of relief
but on the 4th day,
i woke up numb.

my head feels like it wants to explode.

i don't want to be sick anymore. 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

grey oceans

head feels like a balloon
for the 7th day.

something about hip-hop, trip-hop music that can a person feel

the new cocorosie album has held my head in wonders.
i want to fall in love with it,
i do really.
there was a time when i believed with my whole heart,
that those women could do no wrong
and this isin't to say that I don't enjoy this album-
it's just
but then again,
it's spiritual
so i guess that makes sense.

Monday, May 10, 2010


today i learned that we will be opening up for THEMSELVES (the super human Doseone + the sweetheart Jel)...

i would go to the bay with my boys and drool over Dose's performance//
writing feverishly in an attempt to review his show//
the boys and i worshiped him and his Anticon tribe//

i remember studying the Subtle album
lying on my back
trying to picture his phrases against the ceiling
in a feeble attempt for it all to make sense

i remember us all driving in cars
blaring out THEMSELVES out the windows
we were so young
so carefree then

i remember camping and we were all in awe
acid and Jel's beats against our backs

i remember long drives to the hills with 13 & God sessions...
silently praying to beats that I believed in.

needless to say, my friends and I worshiped/woship him/them like a religion.

So, to be able to share a stage...if only for one night...

is a fucking honor.

(I want to be like Dose and never sleep and work 24/7. Living art. Not merely singing)

I guess it's a process. Taking it one day at a time.
Every other day I get a little discouraged,
Every other day I get a little more determined.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


lucas johnson is a 20 something male
who wears headphones on his head
and is prone to nostalgia on the regular. 
he sips lattes every morning as he walks
and walks
and walks 
while humming along to WHY? or Doseone or Sole
or something even more obscure...
and he thinks 
and he thinks
and he thinks
until he reaches a porch of some sort in Seattle
where he takes off his backpack 
it's always black
and then writes 
and he writes 
and he writes
and he writes

and my god, this week Lucas
and my god, this month Lucas
and my god, this life Lucas

i am obsessed with you, friend. 

Betty White Look-A-Like

woman with a baby (cute baby-he was a cute baby) 
walks into the hotel lobby
with a grandmother who resembles Betty White (i'd marry Betty White...well, no I probably wouldn't but I do love her so)
they walk into the lobby and are nothing but smiles-
soft smiles, the kind of people that if you saw them on the street, would make you stop and smile-you know the kind, the kind that stick to you. 
stay with you.
make you wanna find a lover and make a family.
you know. you know.
they walk into the lobby and the entire world stops.
just then.
just then. 


holidays are hard.

i'd almost rather them not exist.

oh, i know. why would i ever say such a thing? but it's the truth. 

just celebrate one another every day...

today, sitting at the breakfast table without my own family just made me realize one more time what i don't have. 

i'd rather have slept in.

in other news...

new flying lotus album is fucking above all those other instrumental LPs. 
get on his level. 

Saturday, May 8, 2010

inspired by Flying Lotus's new album, Jean Genet, Pessoa, and the realization that 
some people are not meant to be in my life.

it's liberating, really. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

more soul.

here's to a new start.
you know, the ones everyone always talks about.
but i'm serious. 

new focus, new plans, old friends, fewer of them, more music, more soul.

here we go. 

Sunday, May 2, 2010

the 90s and machu

this week will be heavy.
but it's gonna be ok.
i remember this while Machu and I are singing 70's music while thinking of the 1990s.