Monday, February 22, 2010

in reverse

sister crayon video debuted on LA WEEKLY today.

it's kinda strange.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


today i realized that i am going to do everything in my power to not stress out about anything that i have no control over. 
i'm in love with the Stoic idea of living life. 
i need to just live this way. 

no need to worry about anything that i can't control.

i'm going to be 25 soon.
no need for premature heart attacks. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


today i realized that i need to either embrace my reclusiveness or start making some friends.

Monday, February 15, 2010

a serious man

the past few days i have been hiding in my room,
secular and to a full view of the ivy frowning around at me.
it keeps growing.

last night jordyn and i went to tres hermanas and ate more food than should be allowed. it was nice to indulge (i admit) but i am ready to go to the gym tomorrow.

there are 2 small girls in the hotel lobby right now, jumping in front of a mirror. being 8 and unaware was the best.

i watched "a serious man" the other night and felt conflicted at first. i love the cohen brothers and think they are brilliant but i was not into this movie -at first. it took another day for the plot and meanings to sink in-it definatly left me thinking about the movie-so i guess it served it's purpose. but i was not thrilled at first, like i had been while watching "no country for old men" but then again, those two are nothing alike. anyway, "a serious man" is brilliant. it is complex and full of despair. it leaves you with little hope left for humanity, but it's beautiful in that it leaves you with real, permanent, sinking sadness.
none of that fairytale bullshit or glamour. it's hopeless.

ew. i sound so cynical but i'm not. i just really like the sad sometimes.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

mexican music

i'm supposed to be keeping a "relaxation journal" for the next 2 weeks for class.
we'll see how that goes.

oh, i got a 2nd job today working for the State Water Board. So wierd, a bunch of filing paperwork and scanning things. I get flexible hours and a tiny desk-it'll be interesting.

The guy who interviewed me had a Slayer tattoo. It was awesome.

what is everyone doing for Valentine's day?
In the past, i have boycotted this stupid day and have rejected it as merely an American excuse to consume...I still feel that this holiday is just that.
But...I have to admit, I want to take Jordyn out to dinner .
Just that. Simple. Mexican food. and maybe rent a movie. and watch it in bed. with ophelia.

Monday, February 8, 2010

the squid and the whale

something about roomates, i remember.
the slow, slender pulse of the boys waking up to nothing.
i never cooked
nor did they, except for the rarity of brilliance that was Aaron behind a stove.
we lived in squalor, but it was love.
and the dust piled up, the dirt and grime never left our necks
or the carpet,
but we hugged every night and fully meant it.
i don't think i will leave that house and i don't think that house will ever leave me.

i was sick and i remember you were gone and i remember i missed you and i remember climbing the stairs half mast to your bedroom and i remember crawling into your bed alone with blankets covering me from head to nose and i watched "the squid and the whale" in your bed and there was a whole lot of misery going on in that hour and a half and i missed you it ached i wanted my friend back i wanted my friend back i wanted my friend back and after the movie i went back into my bedroom and fell asleep listening to Mum.
i remember.

poor father

he's as ignorant as the past.

i have come to the realization that he and i are just not meant to be-
so after we spoke today for the first time in 4 months,
i erased both of his numbers out of my phone
in the hopes of erasing him completly.
i do not hold hate for him
i just hold nothing for him.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

david lopez jr.

my father texted me for the first time since October.
he told me to listen to "the rooster" by alice in chains.
(as if i had never heard it before)
i played along and told him "ok, i will"
and then later said "oh wow, those lyrics are intense".
i wonder how he is and where he is.
somewhere in New Mexico,
he owns a huge house
with 2 freezers, 4 cars, 4 bikes,
a dog, a wife, 4 television flat screens, 3 game consoles, and 2 boys.
living somewhere nice.
but he only cherishes the garage,
a place where he once told me-he hides out to gain some "calm".
a place where he stashes the alcohol that he is not supposed to drink,
and listens to old classic rock.

i remember the last time we spoke last year,
he was fasincated with Kurt Cobain.
he said "man, Nirvana, man...they were some pretty heavy shit"
and then he went on to explain how much of a conspiracy went behind Kurt's death-only to repeat himself until he boldy stopped speaking (for once) and then said "but what do i know. i mean, this is only what i think"

----------a memory of him.
driving in his convertible Seabring in the late 90's (i was in the 6th grade)
he wanted to play AC/DC real loudly and I wanted to listen to Brandy or Bill Withers. He wouldn't compromise-he just blasted that awful band.
----------a few years later. I was in high school and we were now in a different car, maybe his porshe. He wanted to listen to Led Zepplin and I was into it. We drove for hours to nowhere-listening to Led Zepplin, Sade, and the Deftones (who I introduced him to and whom he acutally liked).

i don't think we will ever do that again.

nostaglic as fuck. (no need to read this)

the past few days have been uninspiring.
i need to change my environment as well as my attitude about things.

i've been missing a lot of things lately.
my mother, being 12 again (and only caring about the Olympics, basketball, and Dominique Moceanu), old friends, the 6th st house, machu, lucas, jimmy-jimmy-jimmy, spray paint, my old classical guitar, my room with the 1 wondow, my old bathroom with the apple ornament, my tiny front yard, the roof, my old obsessions, my brother, the neighbor with the tiny dogs, dinner parties for friends, jessieca maranda, conversations over wine, chelsea, conversations in general (jesus!)

i'm tired of watching movies or falling asleep in front of TV.

not going to do that anymore.

this week, i'm dead to the world.

i see grandmothers and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and uncles and cousins and lovers and children and families at work all the time.

i miss grandmothers and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and uncles and cousins.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

dear emergen-c

day 2 at the hangeeer.
all 4 tracks are done-musically
tomorrow, the big vocal session.

of course, i'm getting sick.
work for me
atleast just hold off for one more day.
i'll lie in bed all thursday if you'll just not make me sound like a tranny tomorrow.
ok thanks.

Monday, February 1, 2010

in his attic.

i had a dream last night that jeff buckley was alive. 
he and i were not lovers but we were friends-very close friends. 
in fact, jordyn and i were at his house the day that he did actually die. 
(in my dream, you see)-
he was alive and beautiful as ever.
he wore a flannel red shirt and black jeans, his white undershirt was stained by coffee that he had had the night before. 
he was wearing some sort of leather necklace and his wrists were strong. 
i remember holding them in some brief embrace-where he grabbed my arm to look me in the face and say
"thanks for coming over you guys-
i just didn't want to be alone tonight. 
let's go hang out in the attic and listen to Indian records-I have so many new ones that I think you will enjoy".
and we climbed up the ladder (he, jordyn, and I) and sat in a room with candles and carpet and Fateh Ali Khan and lied down on our backs and watched the ceiling. 
I was not high.
He wanted to be. 
Jordyn was silent-all crystal eyed. 

After a few hours, we had to go downstairs. 

I don't care to recall what happened next but in the end, he was gone and 
i woke up crying because it felt like death all over again. 


first day of feb. 
the shortest month will prevail!

woke up to jordyn having a severe toothache. 
i wish i could magically heal her. 
i hate seeing her in pain.

day 1 at the Hangar to record the last 4 songs
for our first album, "bellow".