my focus.

so, today my boss told me that i needed to figure out my priorities.
and he is right.
he said this after i told him that i would love to give another employee
(in need of hours)
one of my shifts.
after our 5 minute conversation
(and my profuse apologies after every few seconds),
he left and i thought about what he said.

and it's true.
it's about time that i acknowledge that music is all that i really want to do.
but oh! god, when you make statments like that,
failure can a heartbrake.
but what if failure is not the only option?
well, then...you may live your life in false starts,
sad hesitance,
and a lifelong thought of "what if".
oh, and we all know this
but i am tired of feeling inspired, only then to curl myself into a
huge ball of self-doubt.
there are plenty of reasons to live the "safe life"...
i know a lot of people who are doing it pretty well and who are living
very happily.
i just have to come to terms with the fact that i am not one of them.
never have been.
doesnt have to be a bad thing at all,
it just means that i have to be more assertive with the things
that i do want to achieve,
the plans (however lofty they may be)
that i want to put into effect.

and you can ask youself "well, who am i?"
but honestly
who are you not?

i don't want to be a millionaire
nor the next MTV superstar.
i would love to just be able to travel and play music
and affect someone.
paying the bills is always a plus and maybe having some clothes without holes and a bed.
but honestly, who am i kidding?
i've never wanted a huge house, mutiple cars, etc etc.
nothing against it but those aren't the items i dream about.

like jeff buckley once said "i'm not trying to be elvis".
i honestly do not know who or what i am trying to be.

the only thing that i know is that music is the only thing that i feel truly comfortable in,
the only thing that provides mutual and consistent happiness
(of course, besides my friends and loved ones)
it's something that i'm confident in.

so, my boss wanted my focus
and so here it is.
for all the 9 people who may read this
to see...

i want to make music.
i'm saying it.
i'm writing it.
so now it is real.
and now it is concrete.
and if failure comes, then so be it.
my god, even if i stopped singing tomorrow
the experiences already have shown me more than most.
but i woulnd't mind 20 more years of experiences.

school is definatly another priority.
i am almost done with college,
i want to and will graduate.
but i have to be honest with myself
and know that i will put school off to tour.
my goal is to finish by the time i turn 26 or 27,
and although that may seem a bit older to graduate,
i think that experience far outwieghs textbook
anyday.

from there on, who knows what life will be like.
my boss tried to say that i should consider what kind of job
i will have when i am 30
if i keep on touring and whatnot,
and honestly i have no idea.
i know for a fact that i do not see myself in the hotel field for the rest of my life.
i abhor it after just 6 months,
how the hell could i stand it for 10 years?


if anything,
i am a passionate person.
that has to count for something.