i'm glad i'm not a boy.

she would be pregnant by now.

anyways,

anne sexton breaks my heart. i found her writing this week and was enthralled, inspired, and in a trance. her writing is beautiful and tragic and quite appealing (just to tone it down a bit). I, being the nerd with alot of time on her hands during work hours) researched her and found out that she cheated on her husband many times and hurt her children. Now, i'm not a advocate or believer in cheating (i think it is cowardly) but I understand that people make mistakes, stupid mistakes. Doesnt make it right, but it happens. It's lame but it happens. But you don't fuck with kids.

Anne Sexton, you don't fuck with your own children, or any children for that matter!

I'm so dissapointed and mad right now, i am screaming to the clouds in the hopes that my voice breaks through to you.

i was looking for a literary hero ma.

you just can't be it now.

bad (and) beautiful

it's been a good week since i wrote anything. my mind is a mess and a whole lot of non stress/stress/ whatdoesitmatteritdoesntmeananythingitwontin2months kind of ways.

i've been sleeping in numbers lately and my wrists still hurt like a motherfucker.

ophelia is growing so big.she is bad. but she is beautiful.

jordyn is...so many fucking things to me.

anne sexton is ruling my life right now.

and suicide is a topic i'm going to research tonight.

dominque moceanu.

this past week has gone by rather quickly. i don't remember anything. and it's only wed. night but it feels like November. or the 13th. or 2 years ago. i'm emptying out thoughts on paper in class today and i hear nothing from the teach but static.

i need to ice my wrists.
i need to work on vocals.
i need to stop saying "i".

lame. we all write in the first person. i guess. guess.

here are 2 topics i researched tonight.

1. the 1994 rwanda genocides-nearly 1 million people were killed in 3 months. that is 10,000 a day, 400 an hour, and 7 a minute. 500,000 women were raped and either killed, tortured, or contacted HIV.

fuck you killers. fuck you.

i have been quite obsessed with this story for some years now and perhaps it is because i cannot grasp the human physical ability to commit such grave and cruel acts. and all of this simply because of a fucking racial "divide" myth.

i had to chill out so i researched this girl.


2. dominque moceanu- i used to have it bad for this girl. i'm talking mary j. blige "real love" kind of bad. i think this was when i could not deny my sexuality. i was 12 during the 1996 olympics. she was 14. she was the prettiest thing i had seen at the time. and she was humble.

(weak) wrists.

my wrists are fucked up more than before. hardly able to write or type without them flaring up.

great.

today i feel restless and passive. it's very conflicting. the last two days have been filled with fatigue, my body wanting her bed more than ever. i wake up and i am tired.

i took a 40 min. nap with my puppy today. i don't remember falling asleep. i was reading a novel on the Rwanda genocides and next thing i know, i am waking up to time fast forward.

thank god i have tomorrow off.
(band practice, picking up my check, paying my rent, getting coffee with jordyn. i hope she is feeling better).

day. off.

mornings (with) machu.

it's 8:41 am and machu and I have been misquoting Shakespeare since 7 am. currently, she is asking me how compatible i think she would be with Adena (the character and love of her life from the British sitcom ABFAB).

i fucking love machu.

we looked up Dominique Moceanu earlier. i used to be madly in love with her (when i was 14). she now has 2 children and a husband. wierd.

i don't feel grown up yet.

p.s. machu's hair is amazing this morning. she looks like a fly girl from the 80's.

17,000 (ortheslowestnightofthieves)

it is perhaps one of the slowest nights at this hotel that i've ever experienced. and 3 and a half more hours to go.

i have researched three people so far tonight. (i'm starting this thing where I research people randomly).they can either be for educational purposes or they can be for social purposes. ( i guess overall, it's all for educational purposes.) I just want to learn about people. I'm a fucking nerd I tell you. Last night I researched 10 words from the dictionary. I'm also trying to extend my vocabulary, I guess.

tonight:
(more social than scholarly)

1. Anne of Cleves- the 4th wife of King Henry. She was married to the King for a mere 4 months. He divorced her because he thought she was ugly. They never had sex.

2. Cory Kennedy -a model who is 18 years old and has over 17,000 "friends" on her myspace account. I don't really know how I feel about her. She says the word "like" way too many times and parties with Paris Hilton. I'm not hatin' but she seems like just another pretty face. Not too much else going on.

3. Chan Marshall aka Cat Power- amazing singer, recovering alcoholic. She fasinates me. She is a social phobe/manic depressive/suicidal/beauty. Her voice is a relic.

ok. so, that is my night so far. maybe i'll be a fucking dork later and post some new words for anyone (if there is anyone) who reads this.

around 11 p.m.

when lovers act out in spontanious motion, say at 11 at night, the sight could possibly burn eyes.
inside out. out in the inside. the look in eyes, for one slight moment could cause an explosion no one has seen before.
it can make the oldest young or the smartest dumb.

it can break your heart in ways never felt before.

your skin would change color. (possibly, all things are possible when it's felt, felt right)

lovers. simple at best, tragic when confined. tragic when problems are made that need not be. beautiful at it's most simple truimph. when you wake up in the morning next to her shoulder and simply want nothing more...

when you can be simple and not desire anything other than her simple breath, in her simple room, in the simple day, in the simple hour

that is flown into your chest.