buckley.

fuck.
going to his website only made me miss him more.









i need to get my tattoo.
(and trust me, i don't need much but this is somethingthatisnotanoption)

last night,
a lady tried to break into our house.
i didn't sleep at all.
every sound was someone trying to come kill me
every silence was the moment right before the act.

100 things.

it's really quiet at the hotel
and i hate money.
it hurts relationships and makes people feel small
or it makes people feel better than others
or it kills
threatens
depresses
others.

when i was younger, i told my cousin that i thought the world would be such a better place if everything in the world cost 1 penny. everything.
that way, all that you would need would be a dollar-you could get 100 things.
and when i was younger, 100 things seemed pretty sufficient.

treehouse

they are finishing the remnants of carpet on the hotel floor.
and i am breathing in the fumes...


i've always been fascinated with treehouses.
as a kid, i tried building one.
it took me 7 days just to build a window.
I have no sense of shape
or art
(iamnotabuilder)
all that i accomplished was a wooden window frame
and a hand full of blisters.

i guess i've been drawn to escapism.

treehouse

i used to be a writer.

and sometimes i feel there is need for violence.

i've always wanted a treehouse.

i guess i've been inclined to escapism. 

get a tattoo

today i feel much better

pessoa,

 struck me in the chest.

made me realize that nothing is everything and everything is nothing.

watching water.

i have a lot of anger in me 

and this i not something new

i get irritated easily

at the same time

i love hard and am loyal

especially to those who i believe are the same to me

but lately

i've been bothered by the mere sights of some faces

and 

oh

this sounds so 

hateful

but please know that i have good intentions

sometimes all that it takes or will ever take 

is to write it out

in order to understand it 

and fix it

and that is what i'm doing

because i don't want to be the :serious one" always,

the "mother of the fucking group"

the one who covers her bases while everyone else is living in warped speed

and there is no judgement here

but it's hard to separate yourself from those you (are a family with/makeshift family/career/"business") 

your actions become their actions and their trash becomes your trash and your fuck up becomes their fuck ups and their blood becomes your blood and your distance 

will only ruin this in the end

and i realize this 

and that is why i'm writing this

it is all within the process

or maybe it isin't.