watching water.

i have a lot of anger in me 

and this i not something new

i get irritated easily

at the same time

i love hard and am loyal

especially to those who i believe are the same to me

but lately

i've been bothered by the mere sights of some faces

and 

oh

this sounds so 

hateful

but please know that i have good intentions

sometimes all that it takes or will ever take 

is to write it out

in order to understand it 

and fix it

and that is what i'm doing

because i don't want to be the :serious one" always,

the "mother of the fucking group"

the one who covers her bases while everyone else is living in warped speed

and there is no judgement here

but it's hard to separate yourself from those you (are a family with/makeshift family/career/"business") 

your actions become their actions and their trash becomes your trash and your fuck up becomes their fuck ups and their blood becomes your blood and your distance 

will only ruin this in the end

and i realize this 

and that is why i'm writing this

it is all within the process

or maybe it isin't.