solo swell

"knowing mother, I knew that I would never really know mother" everyone has left the hotel for dinner. it is roughly 7:40pm and the door has stayed shut for some time. everyone is walking down the blocks that i have walked so many times before. this city is Sacramento this city was where we once loved one another. so many others. lately, all i ever do is think of the past. i don't mind this except for the fact that it then creates a gnawing pain that won't stop. sometimes it's at my side, other times it is headed more toward my lungs. at times, i feel it losing it's color. but it just keeps on going and my mind starts racing. too much remembering. can you please lose this memory bank faster? what the hell is going to happen if i do end up losing my memory? MOTHER. shit happened during childhood that wasan't supposed to. FATHER neglect is a very heavy thing.

6th st never leaves me

nostalgia.

the deranged best friend.

all i see are numbers

all i think about is that porch

we used to sit in

dangling our legs over the grass

toes in the air

eyes to the sky

wide

high

and you were always high

popping some pills

smoking

taking

talking in the dark park

at night counting the angels

i wanted to be your angel

but you wouldn't let me hold your hand

but you wrote me a love letter

i have it still

somewhere

do i?

i do.

i found it as a surprise in a box with other letters and papers that i should throw away

the best thing about that house was that there were secrets and confidences

that we all never threw away

seriously

they are still buried deep inside there.

ODD FUTURE

you are intriguing me.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

This new years started off hopeful.
But by the time 1am trolled in,
alcohol and tempers ruined what could have been a very peaceful and memorable night.
And yes,
this new years will be remembered
but not for the right reasons.

Oh, well. Goodbye you.
Can't let dumb shit get me down.

Here's to the rest of the year with high hopes and big sighs.

3rd st.

i remember
awkwardly getting out of my car
it was night
and the lights from the buildings
were beautiful
because they froze
somehow against your face
your face-
the smile that stretched always-
was bigger that day
and i did not know your face
as well as i would come to.
and i did not know as much as i would
about you
but i knew that you
were going to be remembered.

15.

and in the early part of the night,
you and i
huddled next to the foot of my bed
and watched the shadows on the walls
dance
we listened to Devendra in a trance
heads together
we wanted to kiss
but instead we talked
about nothing and everything
and nothing at all
about years upon years
and arms upon arms
and i knew that you would become my best friend
so much more so than any old lover.

duckduckgoose

children are playing inside the hotel lobby
and everyone is going crazy,
including myself and my best friend.
she is throwing away worldy possessions for freedom
and in this, solace.
there is nothing wrong with this.
i don't know what is going on anymore inside her head
but then again,
who am i to think that i own her?