suffice.

today is much better.
there's something about waking up early that makes a difference.
driving alone on the freeway with anthony green
watching the sun
the cold air through the sunroof.
then you get coffee and there is no line
because you are up early and the rest of the world is sleeping
and then you sit down and realize that
not everything has
to be so overwhelming.
and you nearly faint with
relief.

one on one.

the same song on repeat
for atleast 103 times.
don' question it
(you don't have to)
because you are alone.
and alone is what you never wanted.
or was it?

on the carpet floor, a daydream sleep all i hear is the sound of the boys feet shuffling or
lucas's mind rolling
down
the st
airs

(c'mon, i'm empty and i want you).

fast forward to 2 and a half years
and all i do is see her in her brown apron
i want that apron
so i could feel closer to her.
her hair is shorter then
and eyes dash right to left
i want them center
i want them near

(c'mon call it possesive and i want you)

loud screams of silent desire i throw at you
as you turned your back at the bar
as you sleep now at night.
i hold my questions tight in a small manner of keeping things ok.
but i am worthless in restaint
and i hate the word "i"
yet it's all i know
and i hate the feeling of needing someone.
yet it's all i know.


hands feel like someone is pulling on them too tight
wrists are a shattered mess

fingers tapping one on one.

let her sleep on.

i would love if the tour just started already.
i'm sick of the anticipation,
i'm tired of thinking about it.
i 'm also tired of missing things and people and my dog (more than anything).

i think i need fresh air, different faces, and the countryside.
i need to be cramped inside a car with my friends,
uncomfortable and sleep deprived.
i need it.

i also think i need distance in order to justify the way i feel right now.
because otherwise, i feel like a baby who cries too easily.

i'm kinda tired of myself.
want to hide out and scream and then wake up and be alive again.

my blood jet.

and this weekend will be a blur.
end of thursday and it's already starting.
take me silently, throw me into rythmn
i want her mouth on mine for 12 days
i don't want her absence.
i know that i will sit and stare out the car window and
see her.
it's inevitable.
she is in my blood.


my jordyn faith, will you always make me ache?
(i pray so)

5 days.

9 months, 9 months!
and she still adores me.
(i'm a lucky mess)

last week was fucked. i'm glad it's over.
being a woman can be horrible sometimes, esp. when you have all kinds of hormones
making you feel all kinds of things.

this week has been amazing so far.
it's so simple but waking up with a smile on your face
can make your days so much better.

i'm lucky i have good friends who have good advice.
and who don't mind me calling them up frantic.
(thank you)

oh, well. not much to say.
tour in 5 days.
excited yet anxious and a little hesitant to leave my comfort.

we the living is a new favorite.

why don't you stay?

i have come to the conclusion that a therapist is probably the best solution. 

i'm tired.

and i know that not a lot of people read this thing.

so i don't feel afraid to say it.

(to the best times of my life). -----------------------

the tv died.

and i guess there is no one else to blame.
you chose the way that you live.
right?






saturday nights mean nothing to me.
they blend into the same threshold of mondays or sundays.

sometimes, i forget that i'm 24.
sometimes, i forget what that even means.