sex and homelessness.

the sweat riddled down her chin
into her ankles
she was unable to shut out the two men speaking
loudly
behind her on the bus.
two ears, mindless thoughts
about sex and homelessness.
her weak wrists
turning into
frowns.

______________________
lying on his bed for the night
he unbuttoned his shirt
and let him sink into him.
callous and violent, he grasped
his arms and screamed for him
(some color)
"i'm no good at this", he said
in between breaths.
__________________________

i would walk
for too many blocks
with stranger's screams in my eyes
my head
down
all the while
thinking of her.

let him sleep on.

anxiety, anxiety, panic panic not non non non non.

ok. let's re-discover the outer world and the people that live in it. the ones with honorable mentions and rare diseases. please.
i want commotion. i want nostalgia. i want to barely breathe.

my hands clenched tight as she told me the news, the old girl with the new words of the ancient thoughts with the 2 year old motives of the modern day, today.
i, being human (aw please god make it not so) am inclined, almost obsessed with keeping what is mine (and even if it is not, trying to attain it so)
so
don't
let
outsiders
in.
i'm quite fond of small things, like rings or bands or placemats. I don't think i've ever told anyone
that.
i used to collect metal.
i used to sing to my first LP on vinyl, diana ross + the supremes.
i used to watch my dad mow the lawn from my bedroom window.
i used to impersonate elvis.
i used to be in love with a girl named selena. she was mexican and 4 years older than me. i was 9.
i used to hold my grandmother's hands.
i used to hug my dad and mean it.
i used to pray.
i used to play football outside in the front yard with my brother.
i used to light candles in my bedroom.
i used to fall asleep to sigur ros at night.


when the present isin't what you want, think of the past and it will make you laugh.

to amy.

i am grateful to know you,
you, with your gentle eyes and
heavy heart.
you tend to wear it on your sleeve and that is why i
adore you.
you held my hand last night and hugged the bigots.
you made me cry last night.

you care so much for so many.
you inspire me.

i am baffled by the hate that is so prevalent
still.
after all these years, you would think history would
wake some people up
yet we still find those ignorant and oblivious.

thank you for being you.
thank you for being accepting of things that you are not.
thank you for loving things that you are not.
thank you for understanding things that you are not.

thank you, genet.

"i never lived out my sexuality in a pure state. It was always mixed with tenderness, perhaps it was just a brisk, cursor affection, but until the very end of my sexual life there was always - well, I never made love in a void, I mean without a bit of human feeling."

1996.

for some reason right now, i am fascinated with remembering the year 1996.
(nostalgia seems to be my obsession, i guess).

i don't know who reads this blog but i think i like to remember for the simple sake of remembering. documenting is also an obsession of mine because i think that when I die, something will be left (even if it is on the internet).

but 1996.

the olympics ruled my heart. moceanu + whatnot (but i've talked about that already). music was huge for me. fiona apple, bone thugs. biggie + tupac. TLC. aalyiah. edwin mccain's one hit. sister hazel (ha, i admit) god, back then so many singles. ones that you would be afraid to admit that you liked today but back then, you couldnt help but love.

i remember lying in my bed with headphones on, falling asleep every night to Third Eye Blind's self-titled album. it was comforting. it was red.
i still love that album. I recently found 3 other people to admit that they not only own but love that album as well. it was a relief.

i also remember when MTV was good. when you could turn it on and find music videos of all genres, interviews with your favorite artists, and good documentaries/movies.
Romeo + Juliet. I was obsessed with that movie. Titanic. Basketball Diaries. (i think i was obsessed with leonardo dicaprio).

Or, remember MTV's "celebrity wrestling"? i used to watch that show with my brother and cousins.

or golden girls! i still love this show immensely but i used to watch the marathons with my older cousin Gary. I would make fun of him and call him "dorothy". he took pride in it, secretly.

i miss him.
i just realized that.

remembering so much kills hours.

white night (s)

last night in the living room, the tv blaring, the dogs running around, the family sitting on the porch, and i alone in the living room heard slightly frightening news

the anchorwoman announced that it was the 30th anniversary of Harvey Milk's death. "the white nights" protests that had occured 30 years ago in S.F. were blasted all over the news. it was amazing to see but sad at the same time.

she then remarked on the Supreme Courts ruling over same-sex marriage in California. The decision will be addressed Tueday morning.
there will be a huge rally on the corner of 20th and L st no matter the decision.
(mygodpleasedontletignoranceandarrogancerulethisstate. pleaselethumanbeingshavehumanrights. endwhatnonsensewehavebeenlivingthelast5monthspleasepleasepleaseplease).

if not, then let there be protests just as fierce as the "white nights". and why not?
why not reverse to violence that happened 30 years ago? I say, go for it.
we are reversing back into time anyways with the decision to discriminate.

i say,

violence? it's hard to not want it when you are felt less than human.

crime + homosexual (s)

as of late, i am utterly fascinated with crime shows and early French homosexuals.

one of my favorite things to do is lie in bed with jordyn and ophelia and watch "the first 48". it's a show about investigations within the first 2 days. it's amazing and watching it has somehow rekindled my old childhood fasination and intrigue with becoming a police investigator. I don't really know why but I want to be. Always have. So, I called the recruiting office and will have an interview within the next few weeks.
wish
me


luck?

i don't know. maybe i'll erase that thought.

anways,

early french homosexuals have caught my heart. jean genet is one of my favorite writers. his elusive and ever sexual writing has me in a trance.
he wrote about making love as if he was making love while writing it.