Once I Was

a daddy's girl
who hid inside her father's hair
long black Shoshone
hair
(but you're Mexican too so don't you dare forget that-i know i know i know)
he was beautiful in the 80s
all the girls wanted to date him
he wore track jackets
and drank
and did drugs because back then
it WAS cool.

he now lives in New Mexico
where i've never been
but man, i've seen the most beautiful pictures
his house
is on flatland
with cactus and
hawks
and a dog in the backyard
the AMERICAN/NON AMERICAN family

my brothers are getting older
one of them is a god
and the other
well, the other one is brainwashed
by my father, the one with the raven hair
and a sad heart.

my father -i remember-
he used to hide out and "relax" in the garage
and listen to Led Zeppelin and Alice in Chains
while staring at the sky...
or maybe i'm mistaken
maybe it was I who stared out into the sky
while he sat in his recliner chair and
hummed along to the sound.
i would block him out and
draw circles with my eyes
over the stars
as my restless heels scraped against the driveway
you see when i was a teenager
i never wore shoes
and i was always angry.
(we are always angry at that age)

well, now my father
listens to Nirvana
in a garage
somewhere in New Mexico.
he calls me when he's drunk
to lament and to scorn

and my heart is halfway torn
between wanting to love you
and wanting to forget
your raven hair
i now own.